Steven Wright Quotes

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

A metaphor is like a simile.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Do you have any toy train schedules?

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

My father was a small claims court jester.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.