Steven Wright Quotes
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
