Steven Wright Quotes

How can there be self-help groups?

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I was an only child, eventually.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

I just lost a buttonhole.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

I took a baby shower.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.