Tim Vine Quotes

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.