Tucker Max Quotes

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.

The great stories go to those who aren't afraid to live them

You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.

I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying.

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person, I just do bad things.' No, that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are.

The hardest lesson I've had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew, the less I actually knew.

The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me.

Obstacles are only obstacles if you see them as obstacles. They can also be called opportunities.

Most people's lives are nothing more than pointlessly frantic activity used as a psychological defense against their own impotence and fear.

No sheep wants to be first through the gate, but every sheep will be second.

To get hwat you want out of life, all you really need to do is be honest about it, don't be afraid to go for it, and have fun while you do it -- and you'll eventually get it.

Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?

I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.

I’ve heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a “professor

If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

If you want to be seen as courageous by some and hated by others, just say what you really think.

I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.

You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.

Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers, is that we're tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn't.

I don't want to compare myself to Picasso, but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures.

Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.

Before I was famous, I already was the person that attracted and dealt with a lot of weirdos.

You know that look a cop gives you when he's so confused that he doesn't even know how to respond? If you don't know that look, it means you haven't had enough fun in your life.

The vast majority of all consequences, especially in 21st century America, are completely meaningless bullshit.

If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma.

I'm never going to be Tolstoy.

What people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine [movie industry] owns you.

The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.

Yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but everyone forgets the second half of that quote: the road to heaven is paved with good actions.

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.

The haters always scream the loudest.

Hey man, can you talk to dolphins and pilot whales with that huge forehead of yours?

Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.

The only thing that someone could say about me that would hurt me would be something that's true that I don't want to be.

We had become those guys... who started a fight... at a Harry Potter book party.

Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.

I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?

I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit.

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them.

I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did.

I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta, but I grew up in Kentucky, outside of Lexington, in Winchester.

If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program.

That's the beauty of alcohol. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.