W.C. Fields Quotes

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

The man in our society is the breadwinner; the woman has enough to do as the homemaker, wife and mother.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Number one, I absolutely love making chocolate chip cookies. I mean, it's fun. It's exciting. Beyond the fact that I love making them, I love eating them.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.

Any fear associated with giving to God's kingdom is irrational. It's on par with a farmer who, out of fear of losing his seed, refuses to plant his fields.

The important thing is not being afraid to take a chance. Remember, the greatest failure is to not try. Once you find something you love to do, be the best at doing it.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Grab your coat, and get your hat Leave your worry on the doorstep Just direct your feet To the sunny side of the street.

Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

The students in your youth ministry don’t need your clever ideas and great programming skills. They need a living model—a man or woman of God who is passionate about his or her faith.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

When you're taking care of the customer, you can never do too much. And there is no wrong way... if it comes from the heart.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.

I've never felt like I was in the cookie business. I've always been in a feel good feeling business. My job is to sell joy. My job is to sell happiness. My job is to sell an experience.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.