W.C. Fields Quotes

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

I never eat before breakfast.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

A songwriter should have friends who are similarly interested; should move about in the milieu of work he has chosen for himself.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Good enough never is. Set your standards so high that even the flaws are considered excellent.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It's never too late - not now, not ever - for you to pursue your passion.

As believers, we all have the responsibility to leverage our wealth for kingdom purposes.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I drink therefore I am.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

What we sow in youth we reap in age; the seed of the thistle always produces the thistle.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

What I wanted was to be allowed to do the thing in the world that I did best - which I believed then and believe now is the greatest privilege there is. When I did that, success found me.

No matter where I run, I meet myself there.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

The greatest failure is not to try. Had I listened to all the people during the course of my life who said, "You can't. You'll fail. It won't work. You don't have...," I wouldn't be here today.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

I exercise daily to keep my figure. I keep patting my hand against the bottom of my chin. It works too. I have the thinnest fingers in town.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Oh, to be home again, home again, home again! Under the apple-boughs, down by the mill!

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

The most important thing is for you to believe in what you are doing.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

There are people out there who want to say yes. That gave me confidence to keep asking.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

You can't cheat an honest man.

...often, stepping outside your comfort zone is not careless irresponsibility, but a necessary act of obedience.