Zach Braff Quotes

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.

If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.

Yeah, I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names, so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam.

The way I write is that I'll actually have a conversation out loud with myself. In a weird way, I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters.

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives.

Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with.

In April 1975 I was born and the Vietnam War ended. I could not let any American die in war before seeing an episode of Scrubs.

I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.

I think I suffer from some mild depression.

Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn't have anything to hide - Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff's secret to Zach Braff's success.

Is 'Garden State' the next 'Citizen Kane'? Of course not. I'd like to think we aimed a little higher than that, frankly.

You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.

I am really driven, but my drive doesn't effect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help matters.

That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction.

It's a really fun hobby to set imagery to music, and finding the right songs for that. Your favorite song in the world might not work at all... for one reason or another.

I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.

Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there.

Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him.

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space.

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy.

Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually.

If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.

Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.

People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example.

I donno, it's not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.

I never really understood all the hype, until I got one of my own.

I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport.

My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.

For me, acting in scenes with other people is like playing soccer with a bunch of legless five year olds. It's not really fair to them, but what else can I do, you know?

I think slavery was an awful, awful period in our history, but when I look at what's become of black culture since emancipation, I think you have to admit, maybe the Confederacy was on to something

I mean, I'm a writer, actor, AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything, but compare that to a carpenter and, in the end, who is the better man?

They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.

I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.

People often ask me when there's going to be a Mrs. Zach Braff. It's a confusing question sometimes because many people don't realize that my mother is named Mrs. Zach Braff.

My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.