Zach Galifianakis Quotes

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.

There was a long time where I was an "artist" in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

My comfort zone is press conferences.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

If you see something, say something.

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .

It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.