Comedian Quotes

Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself.

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.

Every comedian is just doing the comedy they find funny. This is me and it's not clean in any way. I could get a lot more work on TV playing clean but it's never interesting.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.

When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.

Obviously those who burn to be professional jesters mean that they want to be successful comedians. And those are always an elite, microscopic portion of the population. But oh, how they try.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

It is better to look good than to feel good.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

I'm a comedian, and I decided I wanted to be a comedian when I was eight years old watching old Saturday Night Live episodes. I never decided to be a rapper because I'm not a rapper.

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

Many comedians - both male and female - do have an "I will never date another comedian" rule.

I don't really like actors. Actors are like terrible comedians with no punch lines. It's all about them. They talk about themselves all the time. They bore the sh - t out of you.

I kind of was raised at The Comedy Store by comedians. When you see my dad on stage before me and then you see me, you'll see where I got a lot of my stuff.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

I don’t like writing for comedians. I like writing for actors. The best comedians are the best actors.

Two cannibals were eating a comedian, and one of them turns to the other and asks, 'Does this taste funny to you?

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.

I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame comic, and that sucks.

My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian, what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

When I was ten, I wrote an essay on what I would be when I grew up and said I would be a professional soccer player and a comedian in off season.

When you hang around a lot of comedians long enough, you realize there's a certain gene, in every comedian. It's why we get hyper-analytical about things.

Some guys said 'Here's bop!' Wham! They said, 'Here's something we can make money on!' Wham! 'Here's a comedian!' Wham! Here's a guy who talks funny talk!'

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.

I'm not very funny in real life. I used to want to be a comedian when I was 13, 14, 15, till I saw "Death Of A Salesman" with Lee J. Cobb and Mildred Dunnock.

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

Comedians and Feminists... are natural enemies, because stereotypically-speaking, feminists can't take a joke and... comedians can't take criticism.

Richard Pryor is, in my mind, the most honest comedian. He bared his soul to people. I think that's why everybody loved him so much.

Alan King, a comedian I adored, was considered society, and I was considered the Jewish kid from the neighborhood.

Old radio comedy makes me laugh, as well as 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue' and comedians like Paul Merton.

Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.

I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny.

Jesus was a brilliant Jewish stand-up comedian, a phenomenal improviser. His parables are great one-liners.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I would probably be a teacher if I weren't a comedian.

A comedian's a comedian. They're a very kind of cynical bunch. I guess that's why I like them.

A comedian is someone who tells the truth. Truth is the set of all jokes told by all comedians in the world.

I was an actor before becoming a comedian.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.