Comedy Humor Quotes

Comedy Humor Quote of the day

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If a thing's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

But you shall not escape my iambics.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

What do gardeners do when they retire?

A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.

Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.

How can I die? I'm booked.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.