Comedy Quotes

Comedy Quote of the day

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

I have to be seen to be believed.

If the physical thing you're doing is funny, you don't have to act funny while doing it...Just be real and it will be funnier

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality.

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

Isn't it funny how something that will later be a blessing can be a curse if you get it too soon.

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.

I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Check thyself before thy wreck thyself.

It will be funny in about 10 years.

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

Play your part in the comedy, but don't identify yourself with your role!

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

You think you're funny! You think you're funny Cena, huh? The only pose you're going to be doing tonight is lying on your back with me on top!

Haters keep on hating, cause somebody's gotta do it.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

People know me. I'm not going to produce any cartwheels out there. I'm not going to belong on Comedy Central. I'll always be a tennis player, not a celebrity.

The human comedy is always tragic, but since its ingredients are always the same - dupe, fox, straight, like burlesque skits - the repetition through the ages is comedy.

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.