Comedy Quotes

Discussion in America means dissent.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

I wouldn't mind having another shot at doing comedy, but I'm not sure that's the way I'd want to go.

Funny that. We live in islands of Hours and we never seem to have time enough for anything.

I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Me and my roommate wrote and directed a little short comedy called 'The Elevator.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. MRS ALLONBY: And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy.

It's funny how it usually works out that I end up dying. It sort of works out, because by the time I die, I'm usually tired of working on that particular movie, so I look forward to it.

Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy.

There are tons of things I'd love to do. I want to do comedy. It's not that I don't want to play a superhero, but I got to play Conan and Drogo.

I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Don't get it right, just get it written.

Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.

The weasel under the cocktail cabinet.

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.

These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

Mothers are the most instinctive philosophers.

I will make thee think thy swan a crow.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Funny is an attitude.

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

You know, I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end.

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.

A new baby! Why, Scarlett, this is a surprise!” he laughed, leaning down to push the blanket away from Ella Lorena's small ugly face." - Rhett Butler

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

If a movie isn't a hit right out of the gate, they drop it. Which means that the whole mainstream Hollywood product has been skewed toward violence and vulgar teen comedy.

It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.

... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?

So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

I had to choose, I'd be so sad. They are flip sides of the same coin. I love both comedy and drama.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you

I was never afraid of anything in the world except the dentist.

I like marriage. The idea.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

My heart is so light that it's amazing. I get to play all this grief, all this loss, all this disaster and chaos. It's hysterically funny. I am very light.

I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place.

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!

Bad writing, it is easily verified, has never kept scholarship from being published.