Comedy Quotes

I have to return some videotapes

Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

Comedy is difficult, especially slapstick. The trick is to have fun while you are performing it.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

Comedy is a great tool. We [comics] are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I was drafted and went to Korea where I had an opportunity to create a production team that did dramatic and comedy shows. I had also done a little disc jockeying.

Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring and it could be anybody. But, a ringing phone has to be answered doesn't it?

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

If the psychic energies of the average mass of people watching a football game or a musical comedy could be diverted into the rational channels of a freedom movement, they would be invincible.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

If you can be funny, it means you're intelligent. Your brain is working fast.

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown?

Whoever tells the best story wins.

If you have a good idea, open your mouth and say something else.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

I'd like to do a comedy with Emma Thompson. I admire her as an actress so much. I love her. And I didn't know it until recently that her whole career started in comedy.

Just like at Hirojima, when Pearl Harbor bombed the Germans!

Well, I'll be damned. Oh, this is funny.

It's a funny thing, when you talk to God, you're religious, but when he talks to you, you're a psychopath.

Comedy. It was just huge in my house. Peter Sellers and Alec Guinness, Monty Python and all those James Bond movies were highly regarded.

When I was a kid I had this funny blonde hair and everyone called me 'Chick' because I looked like Tweety Bird.

The difference between tragedy and comedy: Tragedy is something awful happening to somebody else, while comedy is something awful happening to somebody else.

When I left school I was full of angst, like any teenager, and I channeled it all into comedy.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

I'm a nut, but not just a nut.

What was funny if you were there is that we were all immensely sophisticated people who knew exactly what she was going to say and we're chatting away, nice to see you.

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Human life is a combination of tragedy and comedy. The shapes and designs that surround us are the music accompanying this tragedy and this comedy.

Of course, there are a lot of ways you can treat the blues, but it will still be the blues.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.

We got a lot of politicians up there on Capital Hill. Ain't it funny how they prosper while the country stands still?

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.