Comedy Quotes

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Civilization begins with distillation

I'm not a naturally funny man. I find that I can only be funny, if I become someone else.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

There is remedy for all things except death - Don Quixote De La Mancha

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.

It's funny to see the people connect with Fast & Furious the way they do. I had no clue, I didn't get it. And now, more I get it and I see it.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

isn't it funny how danger makes people passionate?

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

You cannot say, because I am from Naples so I like the mixture of drama and comedy all together.

The Bill Engvall Show' is a comedy about a middle-class family in the Midwest. It's a great family show to watch if you want to laugh and unwind.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.

I got involved in improv comedy. It settled me down when I was getting wild. I was sort of an evil teenager smashing up my cars and drinking and driving, let's just say, a lot.

I've come to realize that life is not a musical comedy, it's a Greek tragedy.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

Funny songs, that’s my ticket. I can’t remember when it started or why it started, it’s just something that I NEEDED.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Mansell can see him in his earphone.

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

The most difficult character in comedy is that of the fool, and he must be no simpleton that plays that part.

That’s why you call it a budget. You set it and you don’t budge.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

All men are equal before fish.

I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.

Everyone is a comedy. If people are laughing at you, they just don't quite understand the joke that is themselves.

Socialism is a fraud, a comedy, a phantom, a blackmail.

Each waking day is a stage dominated for good or ill, comedy, farce, or tragedy, by a dramatis personae, the 'self', and so it will be until the curtain drops.

It's funny how the littlest things can make you feel larger than life; the right lyric, the most heartfelt melody, the clearest message. Love.

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.

Strangely, Dante's Divine Comedy did not produce a prose of that creative height or it did so after centuries.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

The fun part for me is to just really push that envelope.

Especially while television I think is going through some growing pains or is in need of - I think current comedy is a bit, uh, not happening, you know?

The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs.