Comedy Quotes

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.

At least my happiness doesn't depend on Ron's goalkeeping ability.

I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.

It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.

Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do?

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.

I have an all-Japanese design team, and none of them speak English. So it's often funny and surprising how my ideas end up lost in translation.

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.

You'll be fine, just some minor burns and hypothermia, which was kind of hard to explain.

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.

Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

I'm standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy.

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

The [Five Second Rule] has many variations, including The Three Second Rule, The Seven Second Rule, and the extremely handy and versatile The However Long It Takes Me to Pick Up This Food Rule.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

Myrnin was silent for a beat, and then he said, "Bob would be very disappointed in you.

I just draw what I think is funny, and I hope other people think it is funny, too.

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.

Jacques Tati is the great philosophical tinkerer of comedy, taking meticulous care to arrange his films so that they unfold in a series of revelations and effortless delights.

But it is funny, because I saw Unbreakable recently and it's a strange movie, I didn't mind it, and it's got some interesting things going on.

Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity.

I think the things that I enjoy most about directing theater, or works that are really visceral in terms of comedy and have a sort of rock and roll aesthetic.

Comedy is not my world. It's difficult for me, but sometimes you just have to go with it and have a good time.

Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

It's funny when guys don't like to talk about makeup. I'm like, "You know you're wearing makeup, right? We all are."

My comedy is for adults, but you can have your kids listen to it. They won't get all the jokes because hopefully I'm more cerebral than a 10-year-old... but if you ask my wife, I'm not!

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

Comedy is much harder, it's a lot more exacting. You can't just be real and you can't just use the same kind of techniques you use to fill up a regular scene.

Not everyone can be as successful a performer as myself, who gave 10 great performances the first time I ever did comedy, and then toiled in obscurity for years.

It's funny how you can go from hating a girl to maybe liking her, maybe liking her a lot, just because she shows a little interest in you.

I get a lot of flack from critics that my comedies are all over the place, my dramas are all over the place, they're schizophrenic - as if I don't know that!

So many people are in comedy because of difficult mothers or broken homes.

Comedy can be fun no matter what you're playing small or big comedy part. It always has the potential to be a blast.

Beloved King of Comedy.