Comedy Quotes
You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line?
There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.
I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
A Wasn’t just isn't. He just isn't present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
I would say 80% of the scripts I get are dramas and not comedies or romantic comedies, which is funny because that's what I do every week.
It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it.
Love it when a compelling new character kicks open your mental door, tracks mud across your brain, and props their feet up on your cerebrum.
I think the reason I choose the comic approach so often is because it's harder, therefore affording me the opportunity to show off.
Finally, this being America, there is the constant possibility of murder.
One of the Christian's biggest fears is appearing 'too Christian'. God forbid, because that's often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being 'one of them'.
I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard.
It's funny now how much we look at - whatever you want to call it: art, design, culture stuff, film - online, and how in the online world, you're instantly global.
She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.
The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.
It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.
If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!
I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!
There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?
Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
I'm sorry, but I can't make a movie with the blonde from 'ER' who is starring in every single bad romantic comedy.
Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.
I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.
College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.
To Fred, those years seemed to pass like quickly skimming a book and then finding the ending wasn't what he expected. He wished he'd paid more attention to the story.
She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.
