Comedy Quotes

You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.

He thinks things through too much.

America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.

I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first!

I had died and woken up in High School Musical

Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.

After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.

I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.

T.J. Miller and Kumail Nanjiani I met when I was in Chicago, learning how to do comedy.

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying." - Warren

Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.

I watch the Eruptions. Mount Dad, long dormant, now considered armed and dangerous. Mount Saint Mom, oozing lava, spitting flame. Warn the villagers to run into the sea.

Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

That's your truck parked up by the factory isn't it?" Magnus pointed. "It's awfully butch for a bookseller.

And while my mind is telling me I'm flirting with her just to prove a point, my body wants to play "you show me your perky privates and I'll show you mine.

What kind of person doesn't let you have gummi bears?

When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work.

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan.

This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.

You know very well that I no longer think. I am far too intelligent for that.

Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?

...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress.

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven’t done in years— barnyard sounds.

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.

Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something.

... an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

I have no doubt that you are more than capable of bringing the Monsean queen and my son and the rest of my sons and a hundred Nanderan kittens through an onslaught of howling raiders if you chose to.

All mothers are slightly insane.

I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.

He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop.

I can't go on Gawker. I actually think the writing is really funny, but there is a chance that somebody is undercutting me.

Dean: Don't you find that somewhat of an aberration? Doesn't this disturb you my dear? After all, it's not normal. Molly: I know it's not normal for people in this world to be happy, and I'm happy.

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible.

If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.

Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.

Kate's Speciality: Killing things, with much bloodshed. Talking trash, infuriating authority. Driving Beast Lord crazy.

If anything attacked us, we could just panic at it until it went away.

Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes.

Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.