Comedy Quotes

Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

I like comedy as a group sport.

Blonde is dumb comedy, red hair is smart, sexy comedy.

It's funny how something so normal and mundane that you see every day-your body-can be controversial. The shock value is intense. It's like carrying an art piece around with you all the time.

Fashion is so over the top.

The humble Cumulus humilis - never hurt a soul.

Assumptions are unopened windows that foolish birds fly into, and their broken bodies are evidence gathered too late.

We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

The Internet is a great place to find unconventional comedy that you can't find anywhere else.

That's what I love about sketch comedy: a sketch is five minutes, then it goes dark, and there's the potential for something else.

Chess is a game sufficiently rich in meaning that it is easily capable of containing elements of both tragedy and comedy.

I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.

Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all.

I came back to New York after college like any number of struggling performers, and you just find that niche where you can have some sort of impact. And for me that turned out to be comedy.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.

It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

You can pretend anything and master it.

Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

It's like deja-vu, all over again.

Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

If a thing's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

It's hard enough to write a good drama, it's much harder to write a good comedy, and it's hardest of all to write a drama with comedy. Which is what life is.

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

Funny, isn't it, how your whole life goes by while you think you're only planning the way you're going to live it?

Funny how the love be fake...but I ain't stressin'. Thankful for the love that's genuine...appreciate the blessin'.

They misunderestimated me.