Comedy Quotes

That's your truck parked up by the factory isn't it?" Magnus pointed. "It's awfully butch for a bookseller.

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.

I watch the Eruptions. Mount Dad, long dormant, now considered armed and dangerous. Mount Saint Mom, oozing lava, spitting flame. Warn the villagers to run into the sea.

Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying." - Warren

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

T.J. Miller and Kumail Nanjiani I met when I was in Chicago, learning how to do comedy.

I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.

After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around.

Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.

There’s always time for arguin’ when you’re a Fuentes.

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?

I've decided I don't like books that end with 'The End'. The fact that there are no more pages, suggests to me that the book has ended.

Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.

Is that clear?" said Borcht "as clear as pea soup" I said

That voice that cries out doesn't have to be a weakling's does it?

Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers." She slapped my back. "Welcome to high school.

I enjoy poetry where I can talk as bizarre as I please, but theology or philosophy, I always respect the truth by taking it a step further.

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

What are you" -Mac "I don't follow" -Jericho "You dropped 30 feet in that warehouse. You should have broken something. What are you?" -Mac "A man with a rope." -Jericho

One of my biggest pet peeves is that I just don't like it when characters do things that are funny to the writer, but you don't know why they're doing it and it doesn't make any sense.

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers!

Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.

Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing.

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

I had a tumor. But it was great.

I don't like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I've never heard a phone ring before and I don't know what's supposed to happen next. Hello?

Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

Are there any other missing persons living under your roof? Elvis? Jimmy Hoffa? Amelia Earhart? I'd just like full disclosure now, before we go any further.

The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.

A teacher had once told them that men were either beasts, gentlemen, or beasts masquerading as gentlemen. Might there be a fourth category — gentlemen masquerading as beasts?

The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way.

I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.

I am Butler. Anything I say sounds scary.

What do you think Dimitri? Is this a good idea, Dimitri? Please give us your blessing so that we can fall down and worship you, Dimitri.

The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic.

I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant.

Never take advice about never taking advice. That is an old vice of men - to dish it out without being able to take it - the blind leading the blind into more blindness.

Before I got addicted to comedy, I was seriously thinking about playing tennis full time. I joined the tennis team and played with a lot of professionals.

Ironically, there isn't much comedy film in Britain, which is quite surprising seeing that we're quite good at it.

'Sightseers' started off as a character comedy double act.

It's so funny that people specify that year because in a way it was the biggest battle for me health wise.

I'm not funny in person. I mean I'm really not. I'm one of those people who always screw up anecdotes.

I'm not ashamed to tell the truth about what happened in my family. I think that's what makes my comedy different.

Comedy is tragedy plus timing.