Comedy Quotes

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

Funny how you can live a whole life waiting and not know it.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

It's funny looking at yourself. You know how it is when you look back at old pictures? It's just funny looking back at yourself walking and talking at age 14

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

My granddaughter's birth has made me want to create things she will love.

The devil is not as black as he is painted.

If you have to ask if a clothing item is a dress or a top, it is always a top.

You're not funny and nobody likes you!

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

There is a point in portraying surface vulgarity where tragedy and comedy are very close.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

That old funny-shaped bit of wood is still staring me in the face every day saying 'come on, you haven't started yet!' It's infinite.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

For indeed all that we think so new to-day has been acted over and over again, a shifting comedy, by the women of every century.

I don't try to be funny. It's just that I feel the world is a little bit absurd and off-kilter and I'm sort of reporting.

Some people think it is difficult to be a Christian and to laugh, but I think it's the other way around. God writes a lot of comedy, its just that he has so many bad actors.

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

But you shall not escape my iambics.

One always writes comedy at the moment of deepest hysteria.

Funny how gentle people get with you once you're dead.

If you feel irritated by the absurd remarks of two people whose conversation you happen to overhear, you should imagine that you are listening to a dialogue of two fools in a comedy.

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

In tragedy every moment is eternity; in comedy, eternity is a moment.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful.

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.