Funny And Random Quotes
Funny And Random Quote of the day
Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco
Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly.
Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says "Oh, no! She's up.
Does anyone else day dream about what it would be like if specific age groups just dropped dead all across the world?
World is so full of idiots that you can't even imagine to escape. The only solution is isolation. But it still spares one!
If you want to say, Lucia, there is no inside of the park benches, I won’t argue with you. But, then you have to say where the pigeons come from.
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification
If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow
My book sales are way down today. Also, I've received two scathing reviews. One of them calls me “a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.
I didn't actually know what regret tasted like—but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk.
You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.
I bet the very first piñata was surprised. “Oh, hey a party! Cool! What’s the occa— HEY, WHAT THE HELL, KID?
People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.
Do animals understand the concept of dreams or do they think they enter another dimension when they get tired?
If someone loves sweet things and constantly eats angel´s hair tartlets should this be diagnosed as having some sort of heavenly trichotillomania?
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.
Remember, I'm the only person her who's paid to be nice to you. But not too nice. Give me any lip and I'll break your face. OK?
You are having a bad day? Remember it could always be worse... It could be me having a bad day!
It is the end of the world. Surely you could be allowed a few carnal thoughts.
(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.
I grabbed a shovel and dug, and dug, and dug.Sorry not a very poetic thought, but very deep.
Imogene always sitson the remote. It’s probably wedged between her butt cheeks.”“Should I go get a crowbar?
Ladies glisten, men perspire, horses sweat.-Early Nun Quote, The Old Ursuline Convent (1727) New Orleans, LA
Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.
Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.
What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.
Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.
Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.
Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.
So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.
Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.