Funny Humor Quotes

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge.

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

There's two heads to every coin.

Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.

When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.

The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

Being sued by your own record company, that's even better than receiving a Grammy

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.

A thief is one who insists on sharing his victimhood.

I enjoy poetry where I can talk as bizarre as I please, but theology or philosophy, I always respect the truth by taking it a step further.

Get me outa here. F*ckin' creepy cheerleaders.

Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying." - Warren

And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!