Funny Humor Quotes

Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them.

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

Jev stroked his chin. "Do I look like a summer fling?

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers." She slapped my back. "Welcome to high school.

The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people.

Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.

I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people.

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

Amy [ Schumer] is a really, really hilarious writer.She's super funny, and I feel like the core of our senses of humor is really similar.

Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.

I think absurdist humor is funny.

In your heart you know he's right.

Her Majesty is not a subject.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

Don't buy the toys that make the noise!

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!