Funny Humor Quotes

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

You look like a horse in a man costume

You exaggerate your own reactions.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.

I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

I often use humor as a tool in my writing, and sometimes that works and sometimes it sits alone just as a funny line.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Humor, however broad and genial, takes a narrower view than enthusiasm.

I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider.

Ron Guidry is not very big, maybe 140 pounds, but he has an arm like a lion.

All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air.

He can be lethal death.

Zane Smith is a guy who can shut you out as well as look at you.

Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4.

Billy Almon has all of his in-laws and outlaws here this afternoon.

Templeton is as hot as you can be and still walk!

And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield.

You didn't have to say it was gone. It was gone before it got outta here. It was going that fast.

McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back.

It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.

Davis fouls out to third in fair territory.

Eric Show will be 0 for 10 if that pop fly ever comes down.

The big ballpark can do it all!

Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredictable.

If ever an error had "F" written on it, that grounder did.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Come, agree, the law's costly.

He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

Good painter imitates nature, bad ones spews it up.

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.