Funny Humor Quotes

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

I wish his music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.

Comedy is the kindly contemplation of the incongruous.

Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship.

A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

Please assure me that you are all Republicans.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

I lost a button hole.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I was an only child, eventually.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I took a baby shower.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I can't stop thinking like this.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I washed mud off of mud.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Laughter ispleasant, butthe exertion istoomuchfor me.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

being funny is a way of being liked and a way of dealing with sadness.

Who thinks the law has anything to do with justice? It's what we have because we can't have justice.