Funny Humor Quotes
If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.
The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.
I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack
You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?
Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or messiah. Some even say they're God. Well, if they are, I'm their grand-pop.
Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.
Remember, you are as dispensable as the most indispensable king of kings, the mighty lord of silly worldly men.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.
A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.
If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.
A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.
Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.
Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.
Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.
Manners without sincerity, is called polite society
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.
Were one to call your stupid ism good, well then, one would either be equally idiotic, or a fool, or no good.
Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?
I'm joking when I say I'm the grand-pop of those claiming to be an avatar-messiah or god. But if they're serious, then, I am who I am.
There is a certain delightful sort of hope which the introvert can receive only by having company over...the hope that they will leave soon.
Punctuation was, it is sad to say, invented a very long time ago. Even more frustrating, it has remained with us ever since.
Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.
Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.
Growing up I sometimes imagined that for Christ's return perhaps He would appear as 'Black Jesus' to white people and 'White Jesus' to black people just to screw with the racists.
There is this common notion that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world. I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.
Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.
Hurry, your imaginary heaven is calling you up, my dear holier-than-thou religious nuts.
Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.
After your daily bread, if you ask God for anything, ask 'him' to make you right in the head.
I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.
