Funny Humor Quotes

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

Jihadis! Please go to your imaginary heaven - out there, nowhere. Us, the infidel lot, have helluva lot to do after you leave. Out here.

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.

Hey, religious nuts! Please do not grow up. Just go up!

Monkeying around with other apes, a monkey was made - called, HUMAN. God is great!

Whenever I wish to pay my respect to you, my middle finger says, it must first.

I never knew, apes talk. Apparently, you do.

I'm fascinated by idiots... Here's looking at you, kid!

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you’re having a churro.

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Inconceivable!""You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I've had great success being a total idiot.

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar.

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war, " Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.

I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!

He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable

Jin looked both ways for the Quicksilver Dragon before crossing the canal.

How is something authorised as 'feng shui compliant' he wondered. Is there a Chinese Ministry of Magic?

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.

Greed is a contagious mental illness without which civilization as we know it would not have been possible.

The last time everyone loved or at least liked everyone was when the world had a population of about 4.

In reality most human beings are not, to most human beings, more important than money.

A relationship is likely to last way longer, if each partner convinces or has convinced themselves that they do not deserve their partner, even if that is not true.

Bigheadedness is usually a symptom of small-mindedness.

You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.

Good plan, " Freddy was saying. "Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething.

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan

Otis, " I said."Shhh, " he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.""I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid.

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

I never meant it, " he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it, seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)

Jason hated being an old man.

Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

Pops added, "you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve.""And if you do, you never get the results you expected, " (Katherine) replied.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places, ' Claire said, and sneezed.