Funny Humor Quotes
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5, 000 dollars or your back
Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan’s library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn’t finished coloring either one of them.
In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.
It’s complicated, ” I said in defense, hands going up to show surrender.“Talk slowly, ” Jenna retorted derisively.“Okay, I deserved that, ” I admitted.
Werewolves never joke about age, ” he said solemnly.“Why not?”Connor shrugged, a smile teasing his lips. “I dunno, ” he finally admitted. “I just thought it sounded good.
You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one, ' said Tommy.'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands, ' said Tuppance.'You have the wrong kind of friends, ' said Tommy.
So where did you get your information? Werewolves for Dummies? No, wait, you watched Underworld? Or maybe you were raised by wolves? Stop mewhen I’m warm.” - Shella
Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.
If he sees you in this apartment he will seriously murder you and then break up with me. And I really, really don’t want him to break up with me, Linc.”“But murdering me, that’s all good?
Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.
I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible Hamlet adaptations.
Glancing at the bottle of tequila in Tate’s hand, Logan questioned much more calmly than he felt, “How full was that?”Tate lifted the quarter-empty bottle and shrugged. “Unopened. Why?
Assad: 'I have written it just down here.'He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have meant it was going to snow in the Lofoten Islands in the morning.
It's time to laugh at your nightmares and have nightmares of your laughter.
I don’t give sick days if you’re playing in the snow.” He’s being funny, or trying to be funny. I can never tell which.
Not everything is funny or will make you laugh...but what a worthy goal to have.
Two passing jetliners reported to controllers they’d seen a man with a gun seated on a deck chair at eleven thousand feet…
The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.
You haven't been fired, " Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting f
I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get, ” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.
Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.
The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.
There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.
Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love.
Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.
Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.
Some people love but will never marry each other. Some are married to but have never loved and will never love each other.
Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.
One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.
Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.
We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.
Our parents would not be ‘The best parents in the world’ (to us) if they were not our parents.
Stolen oranges also have Vitamin C. Likewise, a stolen salmon, too, has omega-3 fatty acids.
The hardest part about walking away from someone is the part where you realize that, no matter how slowly you go, they will never run after you.
Seriousness is too boring to the playful human condition. A heart of stone that has a long face can never express love.