Funny Humor Quotes

Fee-fi-fo-fum, you better run and hideI smell the blood of a petty little coward

The Decision...I wiped my hands on my pinaforenow sullied and stainednot crisp or pressedas it had been before...

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote, you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

The majority of boys think the highest form of creativity is weeing a pattern into snow.

With faces entirely invisible through suits, it was hard to be sure, but my impression was that he was watching me and copying my every move. I felt this proved he was intelligent.

If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than th

I've nothing against people. Just a***oles. But then, most people are.

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

Well, ” Lynx said once the man was dead. “That was…uneventful.”“You’re as fickle as an old woman, ” Zeus told Lynx. “One minute too much carnage, the next not enough.

I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

Trust the vibes you get, energy doesn’t lie.

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

If you're stressing over happiness, you're doing it wrong!

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

I swear, when that woman dies, she'll be deader than everybody else.~Pattiecake from Laid Out and Candle Lit

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

....I'd rather travel in Cargo-nanoships than a Bullet-train to reach my target.

If I'll be funnier than this, I'll become a joke.

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

I believe books should be like a prime rib steak ~ good and thick.

All pomp and show.” Anjali’s glare at the house would’ve exploded bricks if she’d had superhuman powers. “A fat cow needs a big barn.

Is there a reason why you’re standing there, staring out the window and watching the neighbors? Are we preparing to kill them and drag them down to the basement and bury them alive?

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: 'Who's the third?

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.

Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.

Beneath the people we think we are, there are funnier, happier, livelier people that we keep ignoring.

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

Frankly, the only good people who I know are dogs.

Checked thoroughly, humans stink.

God is Santa Claus for Grown-Ups.

I'm a born-again atheist.

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.

I'm a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

The thing about being a screenwriter, scriptwriter, or scenarist, You get to have multiple personalities and not be charged!

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

Knives and candlelight, ” he said, “how romantic.