Funny Humor Quotes

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn’t have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by her name.

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.

Torn clothes are funny … until your dad gets fired.

The guy had guts—I had to give him that. Later on I was hoping for a first-hand look at them.

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.

An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know.

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

Love? Love is for children and poor people...

Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero.

I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren't much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. “Let’s hurry up and pay before she”-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-“sees something shiny and we lose her again.

We don't have dealings. He just stalks me. I'm popular like that.

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

Hello, Mrs. Tran...I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

What are you? The pregnant MacGyver?” “Best compliment I’ve had in a while.

While death is sadly inevitable, our grief will soon pass like a swallowed penny through one’s bowels.Painful change just takes time.

I have a Siamese twin cat. It's got 2 heads and 18 lives.

Bluestar's coming on patrol? Watch out for flying hedgehogs!

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

You want to break the curse, I want to break the curse. We don't need to be nice. We need to be effective. Just help me figure it out, and I'll make you a rich woman.

I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said "That's not what I meant when I said I bought them for you".

A crazy old lady, leading a band of teenagers against an angry supernatural Entity - who’da thought?

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy.

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

It was the kind of storm that suggests the whole sky has swallowed a diuretic.

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet.

Percy!’ Annabeth scolded. ‘You just opened another Monster Doughnut shop somewhere!

Zane raised his brow. “Didn’t I say that yesterday?” he asked, forcinghimself to be patient. Somehow.“You say that like you think I listen to you, ” Ty responded instantly, asmile pulling at his lips.

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.

And just as I'm about to lay on the Yi-Wang-Smooth, I see Lay #1 and Lay #3 show up to our table and take the two empty seats nearby. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Like a driver who has lost control of his vechicle, I was bracing for the impending crash."From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first

We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process?

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. “I’m not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.

I had heard of offices feeling like prisons, but in this case our prison felt, rather anticlimactically, like an office.