Funny Humor Quotes

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.

Humor is the mask of wisdom.

Yes, about ten minutes.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

The plural of spouse is spice.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.

The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?