Funny Humor Quotes

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"