Funny Humor Quotes

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Will the highways on the Internet become more few?

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

When life gets you down, make a comforter!

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

Splendid couple - slept with both of them.

Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.