Funny Humor Quotes
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
