Funny Humor Quotes

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

You can't eat a winner's plaque.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I can never do nothing in this house!

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Hearing Mass is the ceremony I most favor during my travels. Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back.

Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.