Funny Humor Quotes

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark