Funny Humor Quotes

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

over 85% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time.

I'll have that one, please.

I believe my friends think I'm funny. All the books are full of humor. Maybe it is a quiet sort of humor that masquerades as not-much-at-all. It is certainly easy to miss.

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.