Funny Humor Quotes

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.

I believe my friends think I'm funny. All the books are full of humor. Maybe it is a quiet sort of humor that masquerades as not-much-at-all. It is certainly easy to miss.

I'll have that one, please.

Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully.

The Art of Conversation could not die in Australia; it never lived. Television did not kill it; there was nothing there to kill.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

A fart is just your arse applauding.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead.

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.

The more developed your abs, the less time you've spent reading.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

I got my start in silent radio.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

The ballgame is over...in this inning.

Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end.

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.