Funny Life Quotes

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn't handle the spiders.You couldn't handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.

I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.

I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.

I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

I had a dream about you last night... you were crying over spilt ink screaming "the words, the what could have been beautiful words.

I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.

I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.

I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.

I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.

Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its nice to have an overview of what it/he/she contains. - Of A Sense of Self

Is there any good news?' Tesla

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.

I know this is war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.

Smartass Disciple: Why men don't ready yet to join the intergalactic confederation?Master of Stupidity: Men could make them laugh to death. It'd be too risky for them.

The moonlight caught the glint of his lip ring, which he was now fondling with the tip of his tongue as he stared down at me. It was a bit awkward.

Nona I don't think your allowed to smoke in here.Nona exhaled a large cloud of smoke.Nona keeps their lights on. A little smoke won't hurt them.

Never take life too seriously, you're never getting out of it alive.

Comedians can turn laughter into tears and back again.

It's funny how things work out.Trouble is, I'm still not laughing.

The doctor asked me recently how I was feeling within myself, I replied, “absolutely fine doctor, but I’m terribly lonely without myself.

But sometimes there's a difference between being needed and being taken advantage of.

It is an undisputed truth of the modern age that there are now only two kinds of people in the world: people who call and people who text.

She says screens are the cigarettes of our age. They're toxic, and we're only going to realize the damage they're doing when it's too late.

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.

There is no better taste than this: someone else's laughter in your mouth.

When I opened the door, Andrew was standing there like a remedy for heart palpitations. Or maybe he made them worse. It was hard to tell.

Scientist say that music can change the speed of a heartbeat. They failed to add: so can a text message.

Because that's the truth about people with obsessively organised plans: we're not trying to control everything in our lives. We're trying to block everything we can't.

Philosophers, Poets and Fools have similar Consciousness

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

In my sleep I have my nightmares, awake I have my thoughts, I am not sure which is worse.

Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back.

When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account...

If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. ... Choose science.

What doesn't kill you makes you CRAZY, GRUMPY, MAD AS EVER? NO it makes you STRONGER! Yep, you'll get there eventually!

Your brain is not only the material inside your cranium, its something to be explored, developed and refined

don't try to hate me or even judging my attitude anyway you are gonna fall in love.

No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cute enough to kiss you.

I pretend he doesn’t exist, and he does the same with me.

Satisfaction is not the achievement of what we want, but the awareness of what we have.

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

Life is about more that quotes about life

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle.

Extroverts communicate well with others, Introverts communicate well with themselves