Funny Quotes
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Being broke is a joke, I never found it funny / That's why I count my blessings / As much as I count my money...
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.
Destiny may ride with us today, but there is no reason for it to interfere with lunch.
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.This was said by gene wilder ... what does it mean ?
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
