Funny Quotes
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
In the Netherlands I read the first chapter of Exquisite Corpse to an audience that laughed in all the places I thought were funny - an experience I've never had in America!
The English country-gentleman galloping after a fox — the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I'm the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I'm the good-quality dog meat. I'm the Alpo of the NBA.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet.
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. & And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring and it could be anybody. But, a ringing phone has to be answered doesn't it?
I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.
It's more important for a photographer to have very good shoes, than to have a very good camera
A good heavy book holds you down. It's an anchor that keeps you from getting up and having another gin and tonic.
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.
Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.
Learn from the masters, learn from your contemporaries. Always try to update yourself.
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
I can't tell you how much we laughed on the set to have Alec Guinness in a scene with a big, furry dog that's flying a space ship.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real.
Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'