Funny Quotes
A minister of state is excusable for the harm he does when the helm of government has forced his hand in a storm; but in the calm he is guilty of all the good he does not do.
Nest of Soviet fellow travelers clacking busybodies in a Soviet jellyfish front, sitting here in Leesburg oozing out their funny little propaganda and making nuisances of themselves.
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.
Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.
People ask me from time to time what it was like growing up with Henry Fonda as my father. I say, Ever see Fort Apache? He was like Colonel Thursday.
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
I can at any moment convert my time into money, but I do not require more of the latter than is sufficient for necessary purposes.
Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog
