Funny Quotes

I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

Muzzle a dog and he will bark out of the other end.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Well, I'll be damned. Oh, this is funny.

What are Fred and I? Next door neighbors?

It's a funny thing, when you talk to God, you're religious, but when he talks to you, you're a psychopath.

You don't get paid for the hour. You get paid for the value you bring to the hour.

Nothing can duplicate the sheer power and feeling you get from standing in front of your amp and bashing on your guitar.

Be awfully nice to them going up, because you're gonna meet them all coming down.

I never learned anything from a match that I won.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

When I was a kid I had this funny blonde hair and everyone called me 'Chick' because I looked like Tweety Bird.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.

I take a vitamin every day; it's called a steak.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.

Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.

Competitions are for horses, not artists.

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

It's better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you'll drift in that direction.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to min?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever.

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

In my time at Anfield we always said we had the best two teams on Merseyside - Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.