Funny Quotes
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
What was funny if you were there is that we were all immensely sophisticated people who knew exactly what she was going to say and we're chatting away, nice to see you.
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
Soccer is a game for 22 people that run around, play the ball, and one referee who makes a slew of mistakes, and in the end Germany always wins.
The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.
Sometimes you don't want to be a slapstick clown in order to convey a funny perception of the world.
There's a story everywhere. Being bored to death someplace is basically a funny proposition. What you have to watch out for is you don't write a boring story about a boring place.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Our happiest moments as tourists always seem to come when we stumble upon one thing while in pursuit of something else.
There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating - people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
I can't relate to lazy people. We don't speak the same language. I don't understand you. I don't want to understand you.
Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled.
I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said, 'I want to be let alone!' There is all the difference.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
To me, crying is not a sign of weakness. She wants it that bad and she puts her whole heart into it. She had really high expectations, and that's why she's so good. She just had a bad game.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not, it's a visa, and it runs out fast.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
