Funny Quotes

Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Blogging is good for your career. A well-executed blog sets you apart as an expert in your field.

If you associate enough with older people who do enjoy their lives, who are not stored away in any golden ghettos, you will gain a sense of continuity and of the possibility for a full life.

Art once made a cult of beauty. Now we have a cult of ugliness instead. This has made art into an elaborate joke, one which by now has ceased to be funny.

There is a Japanese proverb that literally goes 'Raise the sail with your stronger hand,' meaning you must go after the opportunities that arise in life that you are best equipped to do.

Presence is more than just being there.

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

The sun and moon shine on all without partiality.

Of course, there are a lot of ways you can treat the blues, but it will still be the blues.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

I prefer the word 'homemaker' because 'housewife' always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

All I want for my birthday is another birthday.

Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Even pearls are dark before the whiteness of his teeth.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

If you fake the funk, your nose will grow.

Remember that a very good sardine is always preferable to a not that good lobster.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled

Always walk towards open doors. And if they slam shut in your face, kick that sucker in and keep going.

Yes, I thought I was joining Manchester United, I was misled by all involved. I wasnt aware of another Manchester team

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.

One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating.

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.

Snoopy didn't start off being a Beagle. It's just that 'beagle' is a funny word.

When I was a little boy, I told my dad, 'When I grow up, I want to be a musician.' My dad said: 'You can't do both, Son'.

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.