Funny Quotes

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.

Every kind of music is good, except the boring kind.

Any damn fool can navigate the world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk.

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do.

We got a lot of politicians up there on Capital Hill. Ain't it funny how they prosper while the country stands still?

No means yes in grasshopper language.

I'm not melancholy; I'm a happy-go-lucky person, kind of silly. I like funny things. I have a lot of energy. I tend to like music that's mellow, though.

The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.

It's funny, isn't it? When you are young you just want to be old, and then later you wish you could go back to being a kid.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

There are no nudists in cold areas.

I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

Interviewing is tough, especially if you don't know what you're looking for.

If dogs could talk, perhaps we would find it as hard to get along with them as we do with people.

A day wasted on others is not wasted on one's self.

The older I get, the faster I was.

Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother.

I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

When you don't know what you're doing, fake it.

Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare.

It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Never moon a werewolf.

Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass?

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

It's bizarre that the produce manager is more important to my children's health than the pediatrician.

Sometimes the person who is the most logical is the person whom we call insane.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Civilization begins with distillation

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

Always enter like a kitten and leave like a lion. But NEVER enter like a lion and leave like a kitten. Always be humble.

Kyle Baker's work is really funny, but it's also got a very clear vision

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

I'm not a naturally funny man. I find that I can only be funny, if I become someone else.

The elevator to success is out of order, but the stairs are always open.