Funny Quotes

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.

Ambition may be defined as the willingness to receive any number of hits on the nose.

There aren't any hard women, only soft men.

Being pretty on the inside means you don't hit your brother and you eat all your peas - that's what my grandma taught me.

I try to look at this music career thing as the means to an end. And really, at the end of it, I see myself on a sailboat, sailing off the edge of the world.

A sailing ship is no democracy; you don't caucus a crew as to where you'll go anymore than you inquire when they'd like to shorten sail.

I loved this smart, funny, big-hearted novel. As hilarious and wise as early Philip Roth, The Mathematician's Shiva will delight and move you.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there. "Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself.

Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

If I ever wear a Chelsea shirt, you have permission to kill me.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.

To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.

Choosing individual stocks without any idea of what you're looking for is like running through a dynamite factory with a burning match. You may live, but you're still an idiot.

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

It's funny to see the people connect with Fast & Furious the way they do. I had no clue, I didn't get it. And now, more I get it and I see it.

Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front of him

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned

I be goofy, kinda funny. Acting stupid but they love me.

There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who's Mary Astor? Get me Mary Astor. Get me a Mary Astor type. Get me a young Mary Astor. Who's Mary Astor?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

To young men contemplating a voyage I would say go.

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.

I am dying with the help of too many physicians.

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.

I didn't get my degree at NYU; I got it later, they gave me an honourary one.

I have said nothing because there is nothing I can say that would describe how I feel as perfectly as you deserve it.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Paul Ryan's love for Rage Against The Machine is amusing, because he is the embodiment of the machine that our music has been raging against for two decades

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease.