Funny Quotes
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one
If we're not willing to settle for junk living, we certainly shouldn't settle for junk food.
What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?” “Oh no, Ron,” came Fred’s voice, very sarcastically. “No, this is exactly where we wanted to end up.
Years from now, after I'm gone, someone will listen to what I've done and know I was here. They may not know or care who I was, but they'll hear my guitars speaking for me.
To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.
Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole!
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.
Man is born for uprightness. If a man lose his uprightness and yet live, his escape from death is mere good fortune.
Funny songs, that’s my ticket. I can’t remember when it started or why it started, it’s just something that I NEEDED.
All the time he's boxing, he's thinking. All the time he was thinking, I was hitting him.
It was only when I finished the course and left my graduation diploma on the bus that I realized I'd become an actor.
Champagne's funny stuff. I'm used to whiskey. Whiskey is a slap on the back, and champagne's a heavy mist before my eyes.
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.
If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements.
If you are not prepared, you cannot work out intensely. If you do not perform, you cannot get results, and if you can't do your best to recover, you won't get the benefits of your hard work.
We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.
Well, when you're playing good football, it's good football and if you don't have good football, then you're not really playing good football.
