Funny Quotes

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail; that's why he tries to bite the mailman.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.

The whole of life is but a moment of time. It is our duty, therefore to use it, not to misuse it.

Mansell can see him in his earphone.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Talking about your troubles is no good. Eighty percent of your friends don't care and the rest are glad.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.

If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby 'it.'

When men lose against me, they always have a headache ... or things of that kind. I have never beaten a completely healthy man!

I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

George,” said Fred, “I think we’ve outgrown full-time education.” “Yeah, I’ve been feeling that way myself,” said George lightly.

If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don't have their assistants and entourage, it's funny to see what happens.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I kind of thought, wouldn't it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.

There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is a funny thing, the minute you think you've got everything figured out something comes along and turns it all upside down.

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

That’s why you call it a budget. You set it and you don’t budge.

Suddenly I was in the right tempo - but it wasn't.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off forever.

It takes a lot of hard work and dedication just like any pro sport. Especially for beach volleyball you don't have to be tall or as fast as other sports. You just have to have the skills.

The most difficult character in comedy is that of the fool, and he must be no simpleton that plays that part.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

I've been rich and I've been poor. Rich is better.

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.

All men are equal before fish.

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.

Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind.

I never had much interest in the piano until I realized that every time I played, a girl would appear on the piano bench to my left and another to my right.